The following story is not light-hearted. I don’t have a fun video to watch, and I can’t expect most people to understand. It will also be wordy, so don’t feel guilty if you don’t read it all.
Most of all, I am not writing this for pity. You don’t need to feel sorry for us. It’s okay if you cry, or if you pray for us, but God heals all wounds and if we are broken, it is to draw us closer to him. We are strongly grounded in our hope in Christ Jesus. I truly believe that everything that happens on this earth leads to glorifying our God, the creator of the universe. I hope this story helps someone. I know it helps me to write it.
I was almost a father… again
On November 30th, my wife texted me while I was at work. The text simply said, “Call me please”. Of course, I obliged to call as quickly as possible and when I did, she floored me with the news that we were pregnant for the second time. She had taken a pregnancy test on a whim. There had been no indication that she was pregnant, she just got curious I guess. A new baby wasn’t even on our radar, except through adoption/fostering.
Nothing could have made me happier. I was both floating on clouds and getting crushed by the weight of a completely different reality simultaneously. We have been avoiding pregnancy for a while because we are training to be foster parents, so this changed everything. I immediately started thinking about maternity gifts for Christmas. I started rearranging the house in my head to make room for the new love of our life. I even started thinking about names.
It might be a girl; A little sister for Caleb to look after and protect. It might be a little boy; a little brother for Caleb to play with and share with. Either way, I was ready. You know my motto:
Bring it on.
I don’t pretend to understand how a woman’s body works, but I have learned a few things after being married for 3+ years. For one, there is a huge difference between bleeding and “spotting”. My sweet wife patiently told me as much when I made that mistake last week. It started on December 7th, just 1 short week after finding out we were pregnant. We were already emotional, having to switch gears from fostering to having a bio-kid. Now, we were trying to ready ourselves for the worst.
Spotting doesn’t have to bee a bad sign during pregnancy, but it can be. In my mind, my wife was bleeding profusely and needed to be rushed to the ER. My wife, sister, brother-in-law, and our good friend Kelley calmed me down and said we just needed to wait a little while.
First, there was a chance that it was just normal spotting. Nothing to worry about. The doctor still needed to check it out, but there are good reasons for that process that are a mystery to us, and a glory to God. Second, if this really was a sign of a miscarriage, there isn’t much anyone can do at that point.
There was nothing we could do…
You mean I can’t fix it?
I stood in our house, helpless, wanting to cry. And then an amazing thing happened. Joel–my brother-in-law–decided to pray for us. We all circled up, heads together, and just prayed. I think there was a puddle of tears in the middle of our little group by the end. Like I said, God works everything to his glory. Even though praying didn’t make the situation less painful or sad, it helped us shed the worry, knowing that God was and is in control.
The next day, Shari went to the doctor with my sister and they did a sonogram to make sure there really was something to worry about. Of course, there was something there but they couldn’t determine whether she was having a miscarriage or not. At this point, they say that it was only the size of a small orange seed. It might as well have been Caleb in there, and I felt like I was losing him.
The weekend dragged by with a lot of sorrow and comforting. By the end of it, we knew without a doubt that we had lost our second baby. Shari and I felt at a loss of words, but only for a short while.
As I said before, we put our hope in the saving grace of our Lord. There is no use mourning for something that has gone away. We can’t do anything about it, but strive to glorify God until we meet Him again. I really feel like this has been a blessing because it has made our little family closer and more away of the fragility of our lives. We are so blessed to be where we are today and I am so blessed to have such a strong a courageous wife.
Thanks for listening.